first kiss

i was 21; she, 20. i realise, now, that it was no age for a first kiss, not in a world where friends of mine had begun boasting of more risqué accomplishments at the ripe old age of 16. still, for what it's worth, i was too busy trying to get an education to care about things like kissing. literature came first; hormones could wait. and yes, considering few of my friends can now hold a fairly interesting conversation beyond 4.5 minutes, i see how and why i made a fairly good decision.

so, to get back to that 20-year-old. we were at her place, which, come to think of it, is not necessarily such a good place to be. again, i blame my inexperience. we were chatting (this, in an era before TCP/IP accounts, meant sitting in close proximity and talking about things like life, music and what the word ‘email’ meant).

as god is my witness (i like saying that, I have no idea why), she made the first move, running her long fingers down my face. i must have turned pink, but i'm not sure. we were sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, in two big, wooden, high-backed chairs, with wide arm-rests that barely separated us. running her hands down my face was easy for her. reciprocating was not as easy for me. it was one of my earliest lessons: the female of the species is more limber than the male.

and then, suddenly, she stood up, standing straight and tall before me. i must have gulped but, again, i'm not sure. kneeling, slowly, she kissed my forehead. little kisses. and then, a minute later, we kissed. there were no bells, but i remember thinking to myself, 'i could get used to this.' minutes passed. it could have been five, could have been fifteen. and still, eyes shut tight, oblivious to the possibility of her mother walking in suddenly, we kissed.

when i opened my eyes, she was crying. and crying hard. 'what did i do?' i asked, trying hard to keep the panic out of my young, 21-year-old voice. there must have been some breach of protocol, i thought. or maybe i was too gentle. or maybe there were rules that had to be followed first; rules i hadn’t the slightest clue about. she said nothing, still crying. then, with the tears still flowing down her cheeks, she whispered, 'nothing. just thought of my ex-boyfriend'.

to date, i kiss with eyes open.