25 things that will never happen in 2006

1. amitabh bachchan will retire from the big and small screens to devote more time to gardening.

2. the board of control for cricket in india will decide to switch loyalties and promote neglected sports like football and hockey instead.

3. bappi lahiri and anu malik will both come up with stunning, original compositions that will garner them international praise.

4. raj and uddhav thackeray will plan a big party and invite common friends to dance the night away.

5. lalu prasad yadav will decide to give up politics and concentrate on animal husbandry.

6. sonia gandhi will release a book of poems in hindi and invite atal bihari vajyapee to the launch.

7. film critics and audiences will agree on hits and misses at the box-office.

8. natwar singh will drop politics and attempt to kick-start a career in television by resurrecting an old game show called tol mol ke bol. he will decide to play host.

9. the ramsay brothers will sign a joint venture with dev anand to produce more films, horrifying audiences across the country even before shooting begins.

10. the government of maharashtra will reintroduce the ban on plastic. this time, they will actually stick to it.

11. gujarat will break away from india and become america’s fifty-first state. it will also rename itself goojer rath.

12. the jana gana mana bootylicious-babydoll-06 remix will hit music stores after composers realize it’s the only classic they haven’t fiddled around with.

13. narendra modi will opt for conversion and start introducing himself to members of parliament as anthony d’costa.

14. prominent politicians will throw press conferences and explain, in detail, how they have managed to accumulate their wealth.

15. telecom companies, municipalities and road development authorities across india will begin working in tandem, to ensure roads in major cities are dug up just once a year.

16. the election commission will pass a new rule insisting on literate candidates for elections. 90 per cent of all members of parliament will resign in protest after failing to meet the minimum criteria.

17. macho male film stars will realize that singing is best left to professionals.

18. the mayor of mumbai will do something of importance.

19. telemarketing agents will stop calling to find out if our cell phones operate on pre-paid or billing schemes.

20. the long-pending women’s reservation bill will finally be passed, after male politicians realize that women really are better administrators.

21. david dhavan will give us an intelligent film.

22. delhi will be india’s new centre for art, culture and all things thought-provoking.

23. l k advani will decide to produce a film called jinnah: also rising and will ask aamir khan to play the lead.

24. aamir khan will accept l k advani’s offer.

25.sri sri ravi shankar will tell the world the truth about how he has been a conman for two decades. he will then shoot himself on national television, unleashing a month-long celebration among the world's literate.